Monday, December 30, 2013

The Struggle Inside

In all of my life I’ve been searching for the good and only the good.  I hide from the negative, I hide from the bad.  I always ignore the fact that with our yin there must always be a yang, that when light comes it will eventually be replaced by darkness.

It’s something I always purposefully forget, it is something we all have inside both light and dark.  No one is free of either and if they pretend to be pure good or pure evil they are nothing more than a coward.   I always like to portray that pure good and act without judgment.  That judgment free zone of mine is filled with nothing but judgment, it is filled with darkness.  The want to always be in the light, to sidestep the inner struggle.  I sidestep the struggle in pursuit of nirvana on earth.  I’ve come to the realization I will never find what I seek.  I attempt to live a self-righteous virtuous life, this style of life has me putting my preconceptions, my beliefs to a test.  I have put my beliefs on a pedestal that create an ego I need not carry and show a false strength.

In reality I am weak and feel shame and disappointment in myself.  I overcompensate by showing a strong and in control face.  It allows me to hide and mask how tortured my soul actually feels.  I carry an invisible burden which I am unable to release.

In my journey I am searching for a friend who will listen, accept my vulnerability and help me figure it out.  A person to help me understand I have nothing to feel shame for, that I live a great life where disappointment should release from my mind.  I have never had that solitary best friend who is always there for me.  All of my friends I have are simple acquaintances.  We may get close at some point but as with everything they are just a means to an end for me and eventually just pass into the night.

It is what I consider everyone just an acquaintance, I have yet to find that friend who will stick by my side even when I yearned for that friend.  I don’t always make the best effort, in fact the person needs to be really special for me to make any effort at all.  In my life it has been just a select few who I have tried with.  I am searching for someone to push me, to speak with my soul to help me take the next step on my journey.  I’ve given up on finding a mentor and guide to teach me, rather I am searching for a friend, a supporter who can help me make sense of it all.  I seek someone who can help balance out my yin with my yang and push me to the life I want.

I always stay alone trying to make it on my own afraid to share myself with those I love the most.  Balance, trust, love, compassion, empathy and determination are all traits I need to develop to move forward and change.  I will work on my mindfulness and ultimate goal of filling the world with lovingkindness.  As this comes everything else I seek will follow.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Reflections: Memories that last a lifetime

This year the main gift for others is photos.  For as long as I can remember family in most cases has said to me we never see these photos you take.  That is mainly because they aren’t linked into my online photo galleries.  This year was the year of photos, frames, and albums oh my.  I had to make sure I didn’t hoard these memories and moments for myself.

Everytime I click my shutter on my camera its not to capture you at your worst but to capture that moment forever.  It’s really interesting how so many people protest having their photo taken but will then take a horrible selfie in atrocious light.  My goal is to capture love whether it be in a laugh, a smile, a tear or a pose.  Love is our most powerful of emotion and can be released in so many ways.  I want to share my love with all of my family and friends and have memories we can all look back on no matter how near or how far we are from one another.

One of my favorite sayings was “I don’t take a good picture, that is why I am behind the camera”.  Recently I stopped saying that for one reason.  No matter how I may look or what is happening I have come to the realization that I want to be able to look back on my life and see all of the moments with those I love.  As a result I now happily look at cameras.  I am more relaxed and even have figured out how to smile for pictures.  I no longer have an excuse to hide from the camera, I have no excuse not to make that memory and neither should you.

It’s is crazy how a photo can evoke so much emotion.  Today I witnessed it and am so glad I bring my camera and take photos even amongst the protest.  I don’t always get what I want, but there will always be memories with loved ones to treasure.  I put together an album with photos that included my late Uncle Tim for the family.  It was something I had to do but was hard for me to do to look back on those times.  It was even tougher to watch those around me melt into a mess.  It’s something special to cherish and hold tight.  I can’t imagine missing those moments and not having those beautiful memories. 

I’m not the paparazzi, I will never take photos out of malice.  I often feel like I’m prying into a private sphere, in fact a lot of times people need to force me start because I don’t want to seem like a nuisance.  It is all done out of love.  Love, love, love all you need is love (and photos and bicycles and crossfit and music).

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Reflections: Self Worth

In my life I have often found myself questioning my worth and asking the question does anyone care about me? The answer is yes my family cares and that’s what I always thought.  I think about death whats beyond and have pictured my funeral without a single person there.  I never felt like I had any friends who cared, who wanted to get to know me or even notice if I disappeared. 

One of my favorite books is “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom.  I’ve often felt like the main character that my life was worthless.  I have not had to take his journey to find the value in my life.  It has been hard but I’ve started to build a life to be proud of.  If your reading this and know me at all, you only see the strong, confident side of me.  If you were to ask me what I think about myself I’ll give you an analysis that is harsh and focuses on my faults rather than any strength.  I even have trouble taking a compliment and will demean myself at those moments.

I’ve come to the realization that my life is not worthless.  Life’s actions no matter how small create a domino effect upon our friends and strangers.  That’s something I have been reminded of in the past day.  As a photographer I capture memories that people will have forever.  In some aspect whether I am remembered or not I will be in strangers lives forever. 

I never thought that my life would matter but two people made my heart warm and soul feel alive.  My goal is to help people to grow and develop into amazing people.  I have a friend whom I expect the world of and want to see her grow into a successful woman.  Last night she wrote me expressing her gratitude for the help and support I have given her in her life.  I guess I’m a teacher and a guide in some way.  It’s not something I strived for but just happened.

In photography I’m building confidence and trust in my craft.  The support I get from my clients and my friends is simply amazing.  I’ve found a craft that others respect and trust me with.  Finding my worth and value through others has been a long trip.  I now realize that I need to live the best life I can; be healthy, be strong, be a friend, be a teacher, be kind and set an example for others because I don’t know who is watching and how my actions will make an impact in this world.

We should all take a moment to live with the whole world in mind.  Act more lovingly, more selflessly, more kind without judgement.  That can create the change we want to see.  Give more hugs, smile more and celebrate your value and uniqueness in this great big world.  Remember to love everybody.