January 22, 2015: “Let Me OUT!”

I walked into my happy place today, by happy place I mean Barnes and Noble.  I proceeded to purchase one book and one magazine.  The magazine was Cycling Fitness, featuring winter workouts, winter gear etc.  There was one problem it was geared toward getting outside for the workouts.  In the winter here that is not a reasonable nor a safe option.  I looked at the pictures, the workouts and realized I have pretty bad cabin fever.  I have not been out on my bike since last year.

My bike work has been in the box I call my gym.  There is nothing more boring and demotivating than plugging away on a machine going nowhere.  I usually find a reason to cut my session short and move onto something else.  I know building the base for a couple months down the road is important especially if I wish to compete.  I just hate how stuck it makes me feel. 

I would make a good looking pro or atleast pic in a magazine

Todays photo was meant to reinvigorate me or atleast make me see what I am able to become.  I have slowly started to make changes in my diet.  Getting a healthy gym routine which I had before sickness and injury is paramount.  My neck feels about 75% and I think I should be able to start putting up lighter weights. My setbacks seem to last a week or so longer than they should. 

I had a vision to create a dark setup with a strobe to get the idea of motion.  In pedaling on the bike I was moving far too much and as opposed to motion it looked like I had multiple heads.  I could have really added the motion with a backlit strobe but wanted it to remain darker so I used a single flash with an orange filter and a 5 second exposure.  The flash was on the ground aimed upward to create the shadows and look letting myself blend into the black background.  I hope you enjoy and draw a little sliver out of this image.  Be yourself, be great, be dreamy

January 14, 2015: “Counting Sheep”

The first two days of this week I have had long days.  Up at 5:30 am and in bed around 12:45 am.  I get very worried sleeping less than 7 hours a night.  Surviving one night is ok but multiple days in a row can trigger extremely horrible headaches.  I have been hyper sensitive to make sure every part of my life is going to offset the lack of sleep.  Balance is crucial to my heath, I was able to have better nutrition, more snacks and staying hydrated.  My focus was off for sure, memory was a bit fuzzy that is what lack of sleep does for me.  Overall my productivity drops and there was nothing I could do about it. 

Today to regain my life I came home counted some sheep and took a refreshing nap.  I had to force myself to wake up so not to have a sleepless night.  This photo or something similar has been in my mind for a while.  A few years ago I caught I migraine as it was coming on.  This is a similar type photo but much more calm.  I took this photo immediately after waking up, so it is as real as I can get, in state between full consciousness. 

Health is the key to my life and to me that means balance with healthy eating, exercise, sleep, hydration and most importantly work life balance.  Everyday in this fast paced world slowing down is the only the way not miss out on creating that life you want.  It starts with health and to me sleep is the most crucial so I take alot of naps to balance out the stressors.  Namaste

The Struggle Inside

In all of my life I’ve been searching for the good and only the good.  I hide from the negative, I hide from the bad.  I always ignore the fact that with our yin there must always be a yang, that when light comes it will eventually be replaced by darkness.

It’s something I always purposefully forget, it is something we all have inside both light and dark.  No one is free of either and if they pretend to be pure good or pure evil they are nothing more than a coward.   I always like to portray that pure good and act without judgment.  That judgment free zone of mine is filled with nothing but judgment, it is filled with darkness.  The want to always be in the light, to sidestep the inner struggle.  I sidestep the struggle in pursuit of nirvana on earth.  I’ve come to the realization I will never find what I seek.  I attempt to live a self-righteous virtuous life, this style of life has me putting my preconceptions, my beliefs to a test.  I have put my beliefs on a pedestal that create an ego I need not carry and show a false strength.

In reality I am weak and feel shame and disappointment in myself.  I overcompensate by showing a strong and in control face.  It allows me to hide and mask how tortured my soul actually feels.  I carry an invisible burden which I am unable to release.

In my journey I am searching for a friend who will listen, accept my vulnerability and help me figure it out.  A person to help me understand I have nothing to feel shame for, that I live a great life where disappointment should release from my mind.  I have never had that solitary best friend who is always there for me.  All of my friends I have are simple acquaintances.  We may get close at some point but as with everything they are just a means to an end for me and eventually just pass into the night.

It is what I consider everyone just an acquaintance, I have yet to find that friend who will stick by my side even when I yearned for that friend.  I don’t always make the best effort, in fact the person needs to be really special for me to make any effort at all.  In my life it has been just a select few who I have tried with.  I am searching for someone to push me, to speak with my soul to help me take the next step on my journey.  I’ve given up on finding a mentor and guide to teach me, rather I am searching for a friend, a supporter who can help me make sense of it all.  I seek someone who can help balance out my yin with my yang and push me to the life I want.

I always stay alone trying to make it on my own afraid to share myself with those I love the most.  Balance, trust, love, compassion, empathy and determination are all traits I need to develop to move forward and change.  I will work on my mindfulness and ultimate goal of filling the world with lovingkindness.  As this comes everything else I seek will follow.

Reflections: Self Worth

In my life I have often found myself questioning my worth and asking the question does anyone care about me? The answer is yes my family cares and that’s what I always thought.  I think about death whats beyond and have pictured my funeral without a single person there.  I never felt like I had any friends who cared, who wanted to get to know me or even notice if I disappeared. 

One of my favorite books is “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom.  I’ve often felt like the main character that my life was worthless.  I have not had to take his journey to find the value in my life.  It has been hard but I’ve started to build a life to be proud of.  If your reading this and know me at all, you only see the strong, confident side of me.  If you were to ask me what I think about myself I’ll give you an analysis that is harsh and focuses on my faults rather than any strength.  I even have trouble taking a compliment and will demean myself at those moments.

I’ve come to the realization that my life is not worthless.  Life’s actions no matter how small create a domino effect upon our friends and strangers.  That’s something I have been reminded of in the past day.  As a photographer I capture memories that people will have forever.  In some aspect whether I am remembered or not I will be in strangers lives forever. 

I never thought that my life would matter but two people made my heart warm and soul feel alive.  My goal is to help people to grow and develop into amazing people.  I have a friend whom I expect the world of and want to see her grow into a successful woman.  Last night she wrote me expressing her gratitude for the help and support I have given her in her life.  I guess I’m a teacher and a guide in some way.  It’s not something I strived for but just happened.

In photography I’m building confidence and trust in my craft.  The support I get from my clients and my friends is simply amazing.  I’ve found a craft that others respect and trust me with.  Finding my worth and value through others has been a long trip.  I now realize that I need to live the best life I can; be healthy, be strong, be a friend, be a teacher, be kind and set an example for others because I don’t know who is watching and how my actions will make an impact in this world.

We should all take a moment to live with the whole world in mind.  Act more lovingly, more selflessly, more kind without judgement.  That can create the change we want to see.  Give more hugs, smile more and celebrate your value and uniqueness in this great big world.  Remember to love everybody.

Reflections: Success

The sound of silence allows my soul to breather, my mind to clear and my thoughts to manifest.  In my evening meditation as my mind wandered with thoughts passing through.  One thought stuck in my head the word success. 

What is success?  I’ve always been shortsighted in my definition of success as I think the majority of this world focuses on success as money and power.  It’s taught to us from day one more, more, more money and power.  These are just lies and false perceptions.  Worshipping idols is not what we were put on this world for.  We were put on this earth to act us small cogs in a bigger plan being interconnected with each other.  That is how we will be successful.  Acting not as individuals but as a collective group. 

Live, love, think.  These should be the cornerstones to success.  Acting with good intentions to benefit society as a whole this will lead to success for the individual and everyone that is touched.    In defining success as achievement of money and power for the better part of my life I have looked at myself as a failure.  Tonight I realized success is defined the relationships built, those you’ve touched along the way and the special moments that make memories that last forever.  It’s all about the journey in life.  Using this definition I am successful and more than likely you are too. 

My goal for life is to find balance with family, friends, society and nature.  Whether or not I have found it is not what matters.  What matters is that I have built relationships which will last have whether we spent 2 hours together, 2 days or 20 years.  The genuine relationships I have built will pull me through as well pull others through when help is needed.  This is success creating stability building strength in the midst of societies burdens and capitalistic vulturistic culture.

I plan to continue to focus on others remembering the small things and being selfless in the relationships  that have been built.  If I can make a difference in someones life while finding balance in my own then no matter if I were homeless and hungry  or a billionaire shutoff from the world then I would define myself as a success.  Being successful is not a one- time act it is a life of selfless acts  not out of charity or force.  These are acts that come from an inner character a strength and love for others not as a means to an end. 

I will continue to grow and continue to follow my heart and act with love.  That defines success to me.

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It's a beautiful life

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