Reflections: Self Worth

In my life I have often found myself questioning my worth and asking the question does anyone care about me? The answer is yes my family cares and that’s what I always thought.  I think about death whats beyond and have pictured my funeral without a single person there.  I never felt like I had any friends who cared, who wanted to get to know me or even notice if I disappeared. 

One of my favorite books is “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” by Mitch Albom.  I’ve often felt like the main character that my life was worthless.  I have not had to take his journey to find the value in my life.  It has been hard but I’ve started to build a life to be proud of.  If your reading this and know me at all, you only see the strong, confident side of me.  If you were to ask me what I think about myself I’ll give you an analysis that is harsh and focuses on my faults rather than any strength.  I even have trouble taking a compliment and will demean myself at those moments.

I’ve come to the realization that my life is not worthless.  Life’s actions no matter how small create a domino effect upon our friends and strangers.  That’s something I have been reminded of in the past day.  As a photographer I capture memories that people will have forever.  In some aspect whether I am remembered or not I will be in strangers lives forever. 

I never thought that my life would matter but two people made my heart warm and soul feel alive.  My goal is to help people to grow and develop into amazing people.  I have a friend whom I expect the world of and want to see her grow into a successful woman.  Last night she wrote me expressing her gratitude for the help and support I have given her in her life.  I guess I’m a teacher and a guide in some way.  It’s not something I strived for but just happened.

In photography I’m building confidence and trust in my craft.  The support I get from my clients and my friends is simply amazing.  I’ve found a craft that others respect and trust me with.  Finding my worth and value through others has been a long trip.  I now realize that I need to live the best life I can; be healthy, be strong, be a friend, be a teacher, be kind and set an example for others because I don’t know who is watching and how my actions will make an impact in this world.

We should all take a moment to live with the whole world in mind.  Act more lovingly, more selflessly, more kind without judgement.  That can create the change we want to see.  Give more hugs, smile more and celebrate your value and uniqueness in this great big world.  Remember to love everybody.

Project: Those I've Loved Along the Way; Eric Church

Those I’ve Loved Along the Way

I have days where it feels like no one loves me.  I have days where I feel all alone.  I have days where I wonder if this journey called life is worth it.

Then I have moments of clarity which wash away all of that negative thought.  A memory from yesterday, a memory from 10 years ago, a friend, an acquaintance or even a stranger is able to create the love I wish to feel.  All of those memories, all of those people are those I’ve loved along the way. 

Each week 1 or 2 times per week I will highlight and share with you those who have crossed my path, made me smile and impacted me in ways  which I will never forget.  My goal is to do a photo shoot with the person that I plan to share with you or share a past photo if geography prevents us from a live shoot.

The first person I am going to highlight if you haven’t  guessed it yet is Eric Church (EC).  His song “Those I’ve Loved Along the Way” has inspired me to reflect and share with you the great people who have come and gone in my life.  He is one person I’ve loved along the way and the first person in this project.

Eric Church's first time on the big stage at CMAFest.  I was lucky enough to watch him grow from the beginning to where he is today.

I first discovered EC back in 2006 and started seeing him live whenever I could.  I’ve met him a few times, shot a few of his shows and met some amazing people because of him.  Can I say EC is an awesome guy, can I talk about his character or anything outside of music.  The answer simply is no, I don’t know him personally and never expect to.

It’s always been about his music and the community called the Church Choir.  EC has allowed me to meet wonderful people who I feel comfortable enough to call my friends.  In California, Florida, Canada, Michigan, South Carolina, Illinois, Tennessee and many more states are friends I’ve made because of his music.  I always have a couch to sleep on or a friend to meet at a show. Music is amazing and the lyrics he strings together allow me to connect with the songs and keep coming back for more, wanting to see him live and become a bandaid.  He has always made his music his way, and views music as an art rather than a marketing tool.  That’s why I love EC and where my inspiration comes for this new project, I want to let all of my friends know how special they are and no matter how far they are loved.

In 2007 showing off one of my photos of Miranda Lambert, Dierks Bentley and himself.  Amazing what music can do for a soul.

Reflections: Progression

Today is a bittersweet day, as I sit here I think about how I broke through some physical barriers this morning, then I come to the realization that in a few hours I’ll be a at a remembrance for my 21 year old cousin Thom who passed away last week.

Two extremes in one day and the melancholy is filling my heart right now.  My breakthrough this morning was wholly physical.  Just over a month ago I joined a “box” which is the term for a crossfit gym here in Lockport.  It is called Crossfit HOD.  My reasons for joining were mainly offseason cycling training and to work on my core and shoulder strength.  I walked in day one knowing I was going to be able to do any exercise put before me, maybe not that first time but eventually I would grow and develop the movements, the strength and mind to push myself where I needed to be.  Today was the breakthrough day where I took the jump.

Before the workout I asked Zach the trainer if he thought I could “RX” it.  RX is a term to complete the full workout without scaling any movements.  Today’s workout was a crossfit benchmark workout called “Helen”.  Complete 3 rounds for time;  run 400 meters, 21 kettlebell swings 53lbs, and 12 pullups.  I could have taken the easy way out and have completed 35lb swings and strap pullups, believe me that was my first thought.  Until today I had never completed a pullup or a 53lb swing in a workout.  Naturally I had worked on them and knew I would not have too much trouble with the swing, just had to do 2 to 3 sets each time.

Where I encountered the issue was whether not I could complete the 36 total required pullups.  I broke them up into sets of 2 and 3.  By my last round it was a few sets of 1.  I never gave in and finished Helen my first benchmark workout in 16:43.  Is it a good time, is it a bad time, did I finish first, did I finish last? I don’t know and don’t really care.  What these workouts are for me is a place to grow and build myself to be successful in life. 

Post RX and ride selfie

Relaxed enough at 30mph to take a picture

I was on cloud nine after the workout and had to bike another 15 miles home to get a total of 30 miles.  The clouds were turning the wind was picking up and I hated life.  I hate wind, wind is my biggest enemy in life.  I started out very apprehensive as I had to cross transit rd.  Riding in heavy traffic scares me but I got to the light and on route 93.  I looked down, I was going a respectable 17mph for the first 4 or so miles.  Then something clicked I don’t know what but I pushed a little harder, then harder next thing I know I was gliding along at 30mph on a straight away  for about a mile which is absolutely unheard of for me and in fact I barely get up to that speed when sprinting.  For a few miles I kept my pace between 24 -28mph.  I hit the downhill shortly after at about 41mph which could have been faster if I wasn’t being safe because of the wind.  Then for the remaining miles I kept the pace between 20 – 23mph.  This is a huge breakthrough because I didn’t feel like I was hitting a wall my mind didn’t tell me to quit, it said focus on each stroke its only 7,6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 more mile to go.  I do sprints and time trials on my own and struggle to keep any pace like this for 10 to 20 miles.  Today I carried it for 15 miles and I wasn’t racing anyone, I was able to think and enjoy the ride and blow my normal pacing out of the water. 

 Physically I am in an amazing place, mentally I am good but need more motivation outside of the gym to make the career change.  I made a few amazing breakthroughs that I can directly attribute to crossfit, but my next breakthrough needs to be so I can have the life I want to live.  The mindset I have been developing is making me a stronger and more motivated individual, despite this I have so much more to learn to develop and grow throughout my journey on this earth.

Ride stats from strava a pretty awesome app