The Struggle Inside

In all of my life I’ve been searching for the good and only the good.  I hide from the negative, I hide from the bad.  I always ignore the fact that with our yin there must always be a yang, that when light comes it will eventually be replaced by darkness.

It’s something I always purposefully forget, it is something we all have inside both light and dark.  No one is free of either and if they pretend to be pure good or pure evil they are nothing more than a coward.   I always like to portray that pure good and act without judgment.  That judgment free zone of mine is filled with nothing but judgment, it is filled with darkness.  The want to always be in the light, to sidestep the inner struggle.  I sidestep the struggle in pursuit of nirvana on earth.  I’ve come to the realization I will never find what I seek.  I attempt to live a self-righteous virtuous life, this style of life has me putting my preconceptions, my beliefs to a test.  I have put my beliefs on a pedestal that create an ego I need not carry and show a false strength.

In reality I am weak and feel shame and disappointment in myself.  I overcompensate by showing a strong and in control face.  It allows me to hide and mask how tortured my soul actually feels.  I carry an invisible burden which I am unable to release.

In my journey I am searching for a friend who will listen, accept my vulnerability and help me figure it out.  A person to help me understand I have nothing to feel shame for, that I live a great life where disappointment should release from my mind.  I have never had that solitary best friend who is always there for me.  All of my friends I have are simple acquaintances.  We may get close at some point but as with everything they are just a means to an end for me and eventually just pass into the night.

It is what I consider everyone just an acquaintance, I have yet to find that friend who will stick by my side even when I yearned for that friend.  I don’t always make the best effort, in fact the person needs to be really special for me to make any effort at all.  In my life it has been just a select few who I have tried with.  I am searching for someone to push me, to speak with my soul to help me take the next step on my journey.  I’ve given up on finding a mentor and guide to teach me, rather I am searching for a friend, a supporter who can help me make sense of it all.  I seek someone who can help balance out my yin with my yang and push me to the life I want.

I always stay alone trying to make it on my own afraid to share myself with those I love the most.  Balance, trust, love, compassion, empathy and determination are all traits I need to develop to move forward and change.  I will work on my mindfulness and ultimate goal of filling the world with lovingkindness.  As this comes everything else I seek will follow.